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Today at work I just didn't want to work. I literally walked into work and said "I don't want to be here." I was right. I didn't. I was being blamed for throwing forks and dishes in the trash when one of the servers dropped a dish in the trash, looked around, and then left it there thinking nobody saw her do it. I was asked if I checked the parking lot (which is part of my job of COURSE I would do that) after I checked it. I was asked to put away boxes that I had no idea where they went. I was asked to do dish from one of the cooks because the servers can't clean their dishes or something. It is stupid.

Then I came home and had to do the dishes, take out the trash, feed the dogs, and whatever else needed to be done. My brother napped the entire time I did this. Thanks for the help.

Ugh. I am not talking to people online like I used to either. I'm now on Twitter talking to people more than I am IRC. IRC just... infuriates me for some reason. One channel or another, there is some sort of drama and I just get tired of it.

It is pointless of me to rant when I know people that are in worse scenarios than I am and that makes me look like a whiny bastard. In fact hearing about other people in worst situations puts me in a very bad mood as well because I feel unhelpful to them and argh!

I always try to keep a happy demeanor. It is just getting hard to do so nowadays when I don't really talk to anyone, let alone anyone in a one-on-one manner. I'm hopeless.
This lack of sleep is killing me.

Also emotions suck and rule but I don't know when they do at what time


Today there was a fighting game tournament at the local arcade. Super Street Fighter IV and Marvel vs Capcom 3. I decided to hang out just to watch and see how it went down, but it started late (at around 6pm) and by that time I just didn't even want to be there, so I left.

I didn't like the atmosphere of "I'm going to be the best at this game" mentality from EVERY player that showed up. It was absolutely appalling. These are supposed to be my friends but really they get on my nerves just like everyone else, making it hard for me to even want to play Pump It Up anymore.

Doesn't help that I'm shying away from IRC and the like because I just can't talk to a lot of people anymore the way I used to. I feel... lonely, I guess you could say. Can't talk to family. Friends make me upset. Only people I seem to talk to a lot more are those from Twitter...


what do i do
I'm having specific thoughts about a particular person now. Not bad thoughts, no. In fact, happy thoughts! Really happy thoughts! Thoughts I'd never think I'd have, backed up with emotions that make me feel happy!

However... I feel I can't express that directly to this person. It... is odd, to say the least. It isn't like I can tell this person directly either... that is impossible at the moment.

I don't know if it is because I've been acting weird the last 24 hours that is making me think this... or if this feeling is why I'm acting weird. Either way, I keep telling myself I'm probably better off keeping quiet about it rather than express my emotions. I always have fear of rejection, and an even bigger fear of losing a friend because of rejection. Personally, getting rejected wouldn't make me sad or anything. Well, I'd be sad, but I'd be even sadder if the rejection led to a friendship being lost. In fact, if I were to be rejected I'd totally be understanding and not push the issue ever again and instead keep the friendship going as if being rejected never happened or the issue leading to it never occured. I mean, if I really wanted to make someone happy, I'd respect their wishes, right? Even if that meant without me. That is just how I see it. Sadly, not everyone thinks that, and that is what will probably make this awkward.

I'm probably doing a horrible thing by posting it here. I mean, there isn't anyone here that reads this anymore since they went to Tumblr, Twitter, and various other outlets alongside the fact that I don't post here often anymore, but even then... I'm afraid said person will see this, think I'm a creep, and then I'm down a friend. I don't want that. I'm not a creepy person at all. I just... ugh. It's complicated. If I didn't write it somewhere, I'd end up spilling my guts more publicly more than likely, and I don't want to do that for either of us. Awkward all around.

If you do read this person-who-I-mentioned-but-not-directly-mentioned, please keep in mind I'm not a creep and that you can reject me and still maintain a friendship with me. It may be a little awkward at first after the initial ask, but trust me on this. I am not a pushy guy and I won't be out for revenge or constantly asking you out every chance I get. I'll make do like I always have. I just... I feel more... happy when I talk with you, even for the little bit I do in the very limited way I do. You probably don't have feelings for me, and I'm perfectly fine if you don't. I just had to write this somewhere, and writing this out actually confirmed these feelings to me whereas talking to myself led to me denying myself.

Watch me regret this if they find out it is them either from reading this or someone pointing it to them. Then I don't know how I'll feel...

I'm seriously posting this. Wow. I'm staring at this before posting and I know that if I don't post it I'll regret it, but if I do post it I will regret it too. If this turns around on me I will just be devastated and probably keep my damn mouth shut from now on. Ugh.

My thoughts are getting odd...

Work was busy this week, and instead of bussing I was hosting save for today, which was Mother's Day. I picked up my paycheck from the past two weeks and made 192 bucks on that, so I'll stash that in the bank and save it for something I probably don't need. A friend of mine wants me to go to Otacon with him so maybe I'll save for a plane ticket there or something. If that doesn't pan out, maybe I'll invest in a halfway decent laptop that isn't 1gb memory and Vista. Ugh.

My cell phone got $5 added to it for free thanks to Boost Mobile for whatever reason. It only lasts until the 28th unless I add more minutes, but I'll take it. I need a new phone with a Twitter app though so I can read tweets on the go and such easier. Yes, I'm pretty addicted to Twitter, but there are a bunch of people on there I talk to exclusively on there instead of IRC and AIM/MSN so it is kind of a big deal. I mean, I wouldn't mind talking to someone on AIM/MSN but those I have already are on IRC and those that aren't are not people I talk to constantly. Instead of badgering people about getting on there I just stay quiet about it instead. It would sound creepy to say "Hey, what is your AIM/MSN?" on Twitter for no reason.

I really don't know what else to say. I haven't really done much else. I haven't pursued any kind of goals or whatnot. Just... here on my own. Going beyond high school now and classmates I had are graduating college while I haven't even bothered to go because I know it'd be a waste of time. I wasn't that good in high school. I was lazy but could get away with it because everyone else made it possible. I was also a loner in high school, not really hanging out with friends and when I did I ended up being the one they joked at instead of hanging out. I never had a girlfriend either. I never considered it a big deal unlike a lot of my classmates and family. It just wasn't necessary.

Thinking about it now, I still don't need one, but I sometimes have this feeling I want one. Not for the satisfaction of having a girlfriend or anything shallow like that, but... having someone you can talk to about secrets, feelings, and play games, watch movies, just talk and things like that, with a mutual feeling of care for one another. It sounds cheesy, but that is something I wish to feel. Not manly? Who cares? I'm me. I can't change that, and I'd need someone to understand that.

I... uh, don't know what I'm typing at this point. I'm not that good of a writer and English was my least favorite academic course if you couldn't notice, so this whole rant probably doesn't make sense... but I've just been thinking these things a lot more recently. I don't know what to do now... or who to talk to without seeming intruding or creepy...

Rent? No thanks

Mom and dad just threatened me to pay rent if I didn't clean things around the house. The kicker? They want me to pay $650 a month if I choose to not do anything. My sister and brother would pay less combined than I would.

I don't even think I make $500 a month, and if I do make $600 I think like $100 goes towards gas.

And I'm indifferent about it. How am I supposed to clean things without knowing they needed to be cleaned? They want me to mop the floors at random without being told, clean the yard despite me never being out there, and a bunch of other bullshit that they always complain about.

My brother got pissed at being told he would have to pay $200 a month if he didn't do anything, and the whole time we were talked to he was playing WoW not paying attention.

I actually don't know what to do here. I mean I could clean but then again it wouldn't be good enough. By clean, my mom wants it like it was on day 1 before we started doing anything. If I clean something one day and the next day I don't clean it I end up in trouble for doing so.

I guess I'll just clean things I've cleaned already. I can't afford that absurd rent and to make my sister only pay $300 a month when she has a better job is quite bullshit.
Sometimes I just need to rant or go on about things that just wouldn't fit in other places, such as forums, my Tumblr (which is hardly serious), or Twitter.

Then I remember I have this place, which has seen better days, but it is still here.

Work has been... eh. I am tired of bussing tables for money when I could be home learning how to make music or practice drawing or being inspired to work on something productive. Instead, work is what is productive, then I come home and stare at my computer, maybe play a game for an hour or two, and then go to bed really late despite working in the morning. It is just not motivating me to do other things. It is holding me back.

When it comes to socializing around here, most of it has been done on Twitter. I'm trying to open up a little bit more and reply to a lot more people, but sometimes I feel like I'm coming off as a bit of a creep or something when replying to people constantly. Like I'm going to grind someone's gears too far and they will just block me altogether. I don't want that. If I'm irritating someone I'd hope they tell me immediately so I can hold back my replies most of the time. I don't want to be intrusive or stalkish. I mean, I am probably not but to me it feels that way. This is what happens when you were raised to listen to others but not speak up for yourself I guess. I'm breaking out of this because doing that just isn't me anymore. I'm voicing my opinions and whatnot now more openly with a lot of other people with no guilt or anything of the sort, so I guess that is a plus. Internet is a different story somewhat but I'm breaking out of it.

This image sums up my days in the past few weeks.


Breaking down

I broke down today after work, crying due to the stress of both the job and home.

I am a total mess.


Hi Livejournal! I still have you for some reason.

Does anyone else use you? I still have my avatar from about a year ago on here as my default.

Gonna post an update.

Parents haven't mentioned anything about schooling for me, although they have hinted at having me quit my job for a new job.

Speaking of work, hey! I'm somewhat getting more respect and money! Good thing!

Brother is home and I don't like it.

Ok. Back to ignoring you.


From Twitter:

Mom woke me up from my nap because she was furious I was napping.
So I guess that nap I took infuriated her because it was doing exactly like what my brother did.
So it turned into a 30 minute talk about how I'm apparently doing nothing in my life and need to go to school.
Although I even told them I wouldn't be able to handle the stress and such, as I am not even motivated to play my own games.
My dad said I may have depression, and I guess they are going to have me talk to a psychiatrist.
Then the talk ended when my mom left the room crying because she thinks I failed her.

Here's what happened.

I decided that after I did the dishes and made tea I wanted to take a nap. Typical, especially after yesterday when we went to Disney and I was tired as hell. So I took a nap.

6:30 comes around and my mom barges in, angry that I am napping. Dinner wasn't close to being ready so I don't know what was going on. Dinner was ready later so I ate, still tired, then finished up and headed back in the room. Same ol' same ol'.

Well, around 7:40 she calls me out into the living room. I figured she needed me to grab something I left out there or such, so I went out. She turned off the TV. I knew shit was going to happen.

So she starts by saying I'm being exactly like my brother, sleeping constantly (what), playing games (what^2), and doing nothing. I explain I'm nothing like him because everything he did was for WoW, about WoW, etc. Everything he talked about. His clothes. His music. His friends. My mom still insists my habits are exactly like his, with the only difference is that I have a job.

So she starts going on again about how I have to go to school to get a career and not be a busboy the rest of my life. I told her I'm not ready as I couldn't handle the stress at all, let alone the fact I don't know what to even do! By the way, out of state is not an option my mom is considering. She is meaning in Florida only.

She asks me when I'll be ready, and the only answer I could give is "I don't know." That isn't an acceptable answer, so after she kept asking me questions I told her I wasn't going to say anything that would please her.

This was the time I decided to tell her I was infuriated at how I was compared to my brother my whole life. When things happened, I was put on the same level as him. Equal blame for his actions and such. Mentioned how I would go job hunting and get in trouble for applying to places while he didn't apply anywhere and still didn't get in trouble. She said it was because she hailed me as the responsible one that would tell if he put in applications or whatever.

This conversation kept redirecting me back to going to school for them. I told them I couldn't deal with the stress or keep up with everything, and they kept asking "Keep up with what?" I said everything and that wasn't acceptable apparently.

So then they went on about how I always seem mad or disconnected with everyone. I told them I have nothing to talk about because, really, they don't know half the stuff I'm into. It then led back to schooling and I told them I'm not even motivated to play my own games. At this point my dad said I might have depression, a first time for them to notice such things in the past few years that I have had such issues with motivation. So they are going to schedule me for a psychiatrist whenever, because apparently deep down I have a lot of frustration against my family (who couldn't see this coming at all?) and I won't talk about it to them.

Conversation continues and finally ends when my mom stands up and says "Now you made me feel I failed you as a parent." and walked off crying.


This is not helping my situation at all and it just made me feel more like a piece of shit than ever!